Nobody Expects the Vocaloid Inquisition!
by Der Blaue Wolf
Summary: Yes, I did. It now exists. Let the Vocaloids enter the madness of the 41st millennium. Oneshot minor-crack.


_An underground laboratory, somewhere in South England. Hidden from prying eyes, a single man toils. He appears haggard, as if he has been working for a long time, with only limited success._

_Then a smile rises to his face, and a chuckle arises from the back of his throat._

Satoru Klein/Wolfie: "They told me I was mad! MAD! But I've proved them wrong! I've created it. The crossover fic that they told me was pure madness! Time to unleash the Vocaloids into the 41st millennium!"

Mistman_X: _From upstairs, _"Wolfie! What have I told you about turning my basement into a laboratory to create sins against nature?"

Wolfie: "Oh, shut up."

Nobody Expects the Vocaloid Inquisition!

_In orbit above the planet Jipon, an Inquisition ship from the Ordo Xenos flies, approaching swifitly. Inside, the Inquisitor leading the expedition watches carefully, eyeing the planet below._

Inquisitor Lady Miku Hatsune: "Luka, remind me why in the name of the Emperor we are going to this little hellhole."

The Death-Cult Assassin, Luka: _Appearing out of the shadows, _"For the Imperium's sake."

Miku: "Yes, everything we do is for the Imperium's sake, I mean in this particular instance."

Luka: "I mean this planet is the largest producer of rice-based alcoholic drinks in the Imperium."

Miku: "Ah... remind me to have a word with Inquisitor Meiko about how High Command should and should not use their inquisitors."

_The huge ship, an Emperor class Battleship for those of you who know what that means, descends quickly towards the planet's surface._

Luka: "Convenient how we have that thing which means we can go through an orbital descent at full speed without taking any damage."

Miku: "You mean the one made of Handwavium?"

Luka: "No, I was just talking about the giant lampshade we stuck on the front of the ship."

Miku: "Oh, that."

_The ship lands in an Imperial Airbase, and Miku and her Warband (because apparently 'retinue' didn't sound cool enough) step off the ship, followed by Inquisitorial troops, who look suspiciously like Guardsmen whose armour has been repainted._

Miku: "Who's in charge here?"

Captain Kaito Shion: "That would be me, Madam Inquisitor."

Miku: "Ah, now, tell me, what is the crisis?"

Kaito: "Well, four weeks ago, a group of tyranids attacked the main hive-city from out of the blue. Then they got into the main generator, and blew it up, accidentally causing a warp-portal to open."

Miku: "So hang on, there's been a tyranid splinter-fleet and a hoard of daemons on this planet for most of the last month, and you're still alive?"

Kaito: "Yeah... so far they're more interested in killing each other than us."

Miku: "So... how exactly is this my problem, if they're busy killing each other, just bomb the area. I mean, we're the Inquisition, surely we could have managed that."

Kaito: "That was the first suggestion, but Lady Inquisitor Meiko refused to pass the order when she heard that the generator that spawned the portal was right next to the largest sake factory on the planet."

Miku: _Sighing, _"Figures. Any of the other inquisitors bothered turning up yet?"

Kaito: "Well... an Ordo Malleus guy turned up, and took his men straight into battle, we haven't seen or heard of him since."

Miku: "And why didn't you go with him."

Kaito: "I believe his exact orders to me were 'Stay back, these are my daemons punk, and I'll kill them without any help from a blue-haired sissy-boy.'"

Miku: "Did he give his name?"

Kaito: "Inquisitor Lord Klein."

Miku: _Sighing, _"Figures."

Luka: "What does?"

Miku: "Inquisitor Lord Satoru Klein is the most arrogant, self-centred, rude and abusive son-of-a-bloodletter the Inquisition has ever had among its ranks."

Luka: "Oh yeah, I remember, he's the one you sle..."

Miku: "LUKA! Don't remind me."

Luka: "Oh yeah, and you were engaged, but he had to put off the wedding due to a daemonic incursion."

Miku: "Luka, shut up now or..."

Luka: "And then you asked him, 'Who do you value more, Slaanesh or me?'"

Miku: "Luka, shut your mouth, or I'll have the interrogators make sure it stays shut permanently."

Luka: "Fine, fine, point taken."

Miku: "Right, now... Prepare to attack the Xenos and Daemon scum!"

Luka: "Shouldn't we call in the Grey Knights?"

Miku: "Why, so we can show the daemons exactly where we are with those big guys in shiny armour?"

Luka: "Well they are the experts at this kind of thing."

Miku: "Luka, they have one of the most inaccurate weapons every created in the Orbital Strike Relay. When a weapon is more likely to hit you own side than the original target, and we are trying to capture a target not destroy it, we might not want to call them in."

Luka: "You... may have a point."

Miku: "Okay, are you guardsmen ready to die like the meat-shields you are?"

Kaito: "Hey, we have some good tanks."

Miku: "And I have them too. It's just that my line-infantry are veterans, who aren't wearing armour that most army's standard-issue guns can cut clean through."

Kaito: "Hey, some of us have decent armour!"

Miku: "Yeah, but let's be honest, you really are just meat-shields for the big guns."

Kaito: "Okay, Madam, I hope you won't take this in a way that causes me to be court-marshalled, but seriously screw you."

Miku: "Don't worry, I won't try you." _Pulls out a bolt pistol and shoots Kaito._

Luka: "Miku, you really have to stop shooting your subordinates. It's not good press."

Miku: "And? I'm one of the elite members of a highly secretive organisation that rules half the frigging galaxy. Do you really think I care about the media? The more people I kill, the more people fear me, and the more likely they are to obey my orders without question."

Luka: "Yes, but do you know how much the cleaners charge to clean up the mess! And the life-insurance companies don't cover 'Murder by Inquisitor' in their policies, so we have to pay the relatives!"

Miku: "There are life-insurance companies still? They must make massive losses."

Luka: "The premiums are through the roof. Most premiums cost more than they actually pay you if you die."

Miku: "So why do people take them out?"

Luka: "Because the average IQ of the populace of the Imperium is deliberately kept low, and any smart people are stolen away to the various secret organisations that do most of the killing."

Miku: "Oh, right. So are we gonna go kill shit or not?"

Luka: _Shrugging, _"Sure, why not?"

Kaito: "Ah... dying here... please... somebody... help..."

Miku: "Oh, did I miss your vitals?"

Kaito: "You hit just a little to the left of my heart... this is agony... please, somebody make it stop hurting!"

Miku: "Okay." _Shoots him again, _"That should have stopped the pain."

Kaito: "Damn... should've seen that coming..." _Dies._

Miku: "Well that's that sorted, now, onwards! Let's begin our inquisition!"

* * *

><p><em>Inquisitorial High Command, Holy Terra. Ordo Xenos rooms.<em>

Supreme Inquisitor Lady Meiko: "So, how goes Hatsune's mision?"

Inquisitor Haku, the Secretary: "Well so far she has executed the Guardsmen's Captain without good reason, has commandeered the entire planet's defence force, and begun a general destructive invasion of the area."

Meiko: "So pretty standard then?"

Haku: "Yes. Now could you just sign these?"

Meiko: "What are they?"

Haku: "The forms stating that if the Shion family attempts to get money from the Inquisition for the death of Captain Shion, then the entire family will be declared traitors and executed."

Meiko: "Oh, okay." _Signs, _"You good for a drink later?"

Haku: "Yeah, but the sake supply is low."

Meiko: "Yeah, Hatsune had better hurry back with supplies soon."

Haku: "I'm sure it won't take her long."

* * *

><p><em>Down the hallway, in the Ordo Malleus section.<em>

Supreme Inquisitor Lord Kiyoteru: "What the hell is Klein playing at?"

Inquisitor Piko: "Last transmission said it was basketball, with a bloodthirster's head."

Kiyoteru: "What? What on Terra were they using for hoops?"

Piko: _Taking out an Ipad (Inquisition Pad), _"The remains of a Soulgrinder sir."

Kiyoteru: "I don't believe him. I've told him a million times, he should be playing cricket!"

Piko: "Yes sir, I know."

Kiyoteru: "Give him the order to kill all the daemons within the week, or else he'll get recalled."

Piko: "Right... of course sir."

* * *

><p><em>Miku's personal Transport Tank.<em>

Miku: "We've made good progress."

Luka: "Yeah... although it's rather convenient how all the daemons and 'nids we've seen so far have been dead."

Miku: "Well it makes out job easier... ah... the factory!"

_A large factory appears in the distance, surrounded by daemons and tyranids... all dead. A large crater marks where the portal to the warp... was._

Miku: "The f***?"

Luka: "Eh? Isn't that the Inquisitorial flag over there?" _Points to the side of the factory._

Miku: "Yeah... and are those space marines? In purple armour?" _Suddenly her eyes darken, _"Oh... I see, so that's how it is..."

Luka: _Sensing her mistress's wrath, _"I'm going to... go wash my hair quickly." _Dashes off into the darkness._

_Five minutes later. Inside the factory._

Inquisitor Lord Satoru Klein: "And three Greater Daemons and two Elite choices beat your two pair."

Inquisitor Mist Valley: "Damn you!" _Slams his hand down disturbing the counters... or rather dead Nurglings. _"Why are you always so lucky at poker?"

Klein: "Because Mist, just because." _Looks up as Miku enters, _"Ah, Inquisitor Miku, it's been a while... how've you be..." _Cut off when Miku slaps him._

Miku: "Two months I waited for you to come back, you bastard! Then I hear you're off in the Eye of Terror purging the unclean without me! I thought we promised that we'd always slay the blasphemies together!"

Klein: "Miku... look... a lot happened, I was called for emergency work... and..."

Miku: "And work is more important than me? You put the wedding off so you could go fight that frigging keeper of goddamn secrets, and then when you finally show up, you swan off after two days!"

Klein: "Look, Miku, I'm sorry..."

Miku: "SORRY? And then, what do I find you doing here? Playing games rather than cleaning up and messaging High Command that the mission is complete, so I get sent down to clean up whatever mess there is!"

Klein: "Um... well actually..." _Blushes, _"I had the system... altered so that you'd be sent."

Mist: "You mean hacked."

Klein: _Waving his hand, _"Same thing. Anyway, I wanted to make it up to you Miku, and I knew after what happened I couldn't just come and apologise, so... I set this up..."

_A panel in the floor opens, and out of it comes a massive chained-up bloodthirster._

Miku: "You... kept a bloodthirster... for me?"

Klein: "So that we could slay it together."

Miku: _Staring first at the daemon, then at Klein, _"This doesn't that we're even."

Klein: "I didn't imagine it would."

Miku: "But since you readied it for me... It would be rude not to purge the unclean."

Luka: _Appearing out of a convenient shadow, and speaking to Mist, _"Ah... love."

Mist: "Indeed, do you know how hard it was to keep that thing down there for a month?"

Luka: "Given you killed all its friends, not very."

Mist: "Actually the 'nids did most of the work. All we did was shoot up a couple of bloodcrushers and then close the portal."

Luka: "Hm... by the way, is the factory still functional?"

Mist: "Oh, yeah, we've been churning out sake by the gallon, and we're just about ready to send it off to Inquisitor Meiko as a present."

Luka: "Ah phew... oh there they go."

Bloodthirster: "Please... just let's get this over with."

Miku: _Taking out a massive chainsword, _"DIE DAEMON!"

Klein: "Ah... such fun..."

* * *

><p>AN: Yes, that was random. No, I won't explain. Please just review, and we shall never speak of this again.

Bis Bald

BW


End file.
